What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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