My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
