Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize