I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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