i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
