I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
