I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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