How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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