Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
