well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
