Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize