false alarm. still invincible.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
