i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need water and some morals
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
