If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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