How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
a search helicopter?!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
