Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
