so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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