Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
