Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
