he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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