The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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