Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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