I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
