i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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