i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
