eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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