Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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