I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
