I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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