My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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