sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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