So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
