Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
