having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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