She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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