My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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