worst night to have a conscience
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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