I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
