i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
