I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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