i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
