You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
