i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
