Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
