I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
