Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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