he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
