I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
