mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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