i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
