The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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