Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
