my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Operation Purity has been aborted
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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