Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
