I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
