Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
